Drugs can’t break your heart..


I want to share this, but this is not meant to be narcissistic in any way. I wrote this to James Edgar Skye referring to his blog entry Are Antipsychotic Drugs Safe? and I think, my own two readers might be interested, maybe maybe. So this is what I wrote about Are Antipsychotic Drugs Safe? :

Hey James. I’m really interested in reading. But in fact you make me wanna tell you my own experiences about antipsychotic drugs. I hope you don’t judge me for this but I really would like to share.
I had been taking those drugs for about 10 years and they made me believe I need them. During those ten years (so since I was 16 I started to take anti-depressiva) I quit taking them one year and all symptoms like anxiety, nervousness and chaos quickly started to grow up again and I used to think I wouldn’t be strong enough to stand these feelings myself.

Never ever those pills kept me from trying to hurt or even kill myself while I took them constantly again. This is the ironic stuff about.
After ten years of taking anti-depressiva I noticed my own life and feelings changing the way they turned out to be worse than ever. I told my doctor and she gave me medicine you can take in a complicated or bad situation (diacepam). I really started enjoying taking these pills cause they totally knocked me out instantly so all my body and soul could relax immediately. I took them for about four months (besides I consumed my regular alcohol on the weekend etc.) and a short time later I developed a very bad and terrible psychosis with all of hallucinations etc.

In several hospitals I was given haloperidol, olanzapine or lorazepam without my permission cause I was not able to speak for myself any more. Those drugs made me like their total mental slave and led to an enormous feeling of hunger so that I started eating the very most I ever did in my life. So I became fat. Afterwards, I quit taking everything. I grew the worst depression in human history then and was given aripiprazole. After 3 weeks I tried to kill myself for the first time. This was the normal „side-effect“ to even read about in the package insert and so I quit taking them again. We tried another, same thing happened after 4 weeks. I quit again becoming almost clean and same thing happened after 4 more weeks again. After my last suicide attempt, which was very dramatic in May 2017, I made a decision to become clear and clean, totally. I haven’t been taking any kind of drug (except from alcohol from time to time) and since then my body has developed powers again I never thought I would even have those.

Thing I learnd about pharma industry is they want to make cash and experiments on the patients‘ risk and what truely is a fact is that all sorts of drugs can have those annoying side-effects or support those things they should actually help against. And they make you „addicted“, not even mentally only, but also in a physical way, which is the most absurd thing about medicine.
After ten years of drugs my thyroid already had grown a very aggressive rebellion and was full of lumps so it had to be taken away, almost completely. At the age of 26 and doctors told me, this is an unusually young age.

I am „free“, totally free now and I can strengthen my own health by choosing on what to eat and what to drink and this helps me for sports I can do (before I was the laziest person on earth), but all of this needed time of course, a long time of finding out that I need to go through the most destructing hell first before I could become stronger again. You need to survive the crisis before brighter days can start again. I’m sure about. I hope you don’t blame me for such a long comment.

See or „read“ you, coffeeld


on the 20th of may I committed suicide
but I am still alive
how I did with a knife
and I took a lot of pills to turn off light

in the middle of the night I died
a river of blood turned out of my vane
am I insane
or was it just right

I am not dead, yet
this is a big miracle
this is fucking failing kill
but I am much sad, still

now, this is a hospital
I am finding myself
clock is turning twelve
I am paying the bill

es war einmal

eine geschichte. ein märchen. ein fairytale. aber das mädchen entschied sich dazu, es unfairytale zu nennen stattdessen. und die geschichte beginnt. aus dem krankenhaus. ich mag keine vielen kurzen sätze hintereinander, also hier mal ein längerer. jedenfalls wird das mädchen nach seinem selbstmord am 20. mai viele neue gedichte auf seiner seite veröffentlichen, bis die zeit auch wieder rum ist und neue geschichten irgendwie schon losgetreten werden.


der vogel kämpft sich aus dem ei
das ei ist die welt
der welt ist einerlei
was dem vogel dran gefällt

der vogel ist allein
wohl ganz und gar verloren
er möchte flügge sein
wie einmal neugeboren

das ei ist die welt
sie zwingt ihn zu verstehen
dass alles bald zerfällt
ein kommen und ein gehen

like boring diary entry

I can’t wait to lose weight again. Right now everything I do is just for fun. And I eat more than my body burns away. The most I do is sit and eat. And smoke and shit. On 20th I will have the first surgery ever in my life. Because of my thyroid. I’m scared but I need to trust doctors. I’m the most trustful kid in history. Trust the doctors. That’s all about my life.

Otherwise I would be still in psychiatry. Hmm. Today my Dad apologized for he pulled me like a baby doll cause he couldn’t let me go or even stay at the hills where I was meditating like a big Indian guru or something like that. I cried. He called the ambulance while I said I just want to be on my own here and stare at the stars. I even created my own Lisa star while I was connecting to the whole universe, staring at the sky.

Nevermind. I’m not too big but not as I wish to be like 75 kilograms again. Why can’t I be Harry Potter and make everything pass away quicklier.