Liebe treue Leser

Ich weiß ja gar nicht, wie lange ich mich nicht hab blicken lassen hier auf dieser Seite. Was daran liegt, dass in meinem Leben keine großartigen Dinge passieren mehr. Ich habe jetzt seit gut eineinhalb Jahren einen Job in der nächstgelegenen Stadt, wo ich jeden Tag mit Bus hinfahre. Immer wenn ich dann im Bus sitze, geht mir der Satz durch den Kopf: Holden Coffeeld on tour. Dann beobachte ich durch die Fenster die Geschehnisse um mich herum. Die vielen Menschen mit ihren Handys, Hunden oder Kindern.

So sieht’s aus. Ich bilde mir ja kaum ein Urteil darüber. Aber ich nehme meine Umwelt als seltsam wahr, nachwievor. Ich habe übrigens keine Bullimie mehr, wiege aber noch mehr als je zuvor. Das Gewicht verrate ich nicht. Seit dem neuen Jahr probiere ich Intervallfasten aus. Mein Haupternährungsmittel ist Kaffee und Nikotinglimmstengel versetzt mit Teer und Blausäure. Davon sterbe ich zwar nicht, aber es ist auch schon so eine Art „Selbstmord auf Raten“ wie mal jemand zu mir zu sagen pflegte.

Jeden Abend im Bett denke ich dann aber darüber nach, dass ich ja eigentlich gar nicht mehr sterben möchte und so. Ich will noch so viel erleben und Dinge machen, Spaß haben und mich weiterentwickeln, meine Vergangenheit bewältigen und wieder Freunde finden, die mich jenseits vom Alkohol auch so bezaubern können. Seit zwei Jahren trinke ich keinen Alkohol mehr, was für mich wohl das beste ist, um keine Psychosen herauszufordern oder Katerdepressionen, die ich immer hatte.

Neben einer Therapie besuche ich seit gestern auch eine Selbsthilfegruppe für Depressionserfahrene. Mal sehen. Vielleicht bringt’s ja was. Und ihr so? Habt ihr mich schon vergessen oder wartet ihr schon so lange auf ein Lebenszeichen von mir? Kann ich natürlich verstehen. Die Liebe spielt keine Rolle zurzeit. Die Kunst auch nicht mehr so. Außer bunte Kratzbilder und hin und wieder ein Wasserfarbenbild produziere ich nichts. Meine Fantasie lebt sich in meinen Träumen aus in der Nacht, wenn ich schlafe.

So, das war’s auch schon wieder fürs erste. Mir gehen zwar noch mehr Dinge durch den Schädel, die ich euch mal von Zeit zu Zeit berichten könnte. Aber mehr dazu später. Hab euch lieb und gute Nacht.

Die Lisa (alias coffeeld)

Drugs can’t break your heart..


I want to share this, but this is not meant to be narcissistic in any way. I wrote this to James Edgar Skye referring to his blog entry Are Antipsychotic Drugs Safe? and I think, my own two readers might be interested, maybe maybe. So this is what I wrote about Are Antipsychotic Drugs Safe? :

Hey James. I’m really interested in reading. But in fact you make me wanna tell you my own experiences about antipsychotic drugs. I hope you don’t judge me for this but I really would like to share.
I had been taking those drugs for about 10 years and they made me believe I need them. During those ten years (so since I was 16 I started to take anti-depressiva) I quit taking them one year and all symptoms like anxiety, nervousness and chaos quickly started to grow up again and I used to think I wouldn’t be strong enough to stand these feelings myself.

Never ever those pills kept me from trying to hurt or even kill myself while I took them constantly again. This is the ironic stuff about.
After ten years of taking anti-depressiva I noticed my own life and feelings changing the way they turned out to be worse than ever. I told my doctor and she gave me medicine you can take in a complicated or bad situation (diacepam). I really started enjoying taking these pills cause they totally knocked me out instantly so all my body and soul could relax immediately. I took them for about four months (besides I consumed my regular alcohol on the weekend etc.) and a short time later I developed a very bad and terrible psychosis with all of hallucinations etc.

In several hospitals I was given haloperidol, olanzapine or lorazepam without my permission cause I was not able to speak for myself any more. Those drugs made me like their total mental slave and led to an enormous feeling of hunger so that I started eating the very most I ever did in my life. So I became fat. Afterwards, I quit taking everything. I grew the worst depression in human history then and was given aripiprazole. After 3 weeks I tried to kill myself for the first time. This was the normal „side-effect“ to even read about in the package insert and so I quit taking them again. We tried another, same thing happened after 4 weeks. I quit again becoming almost clean and same thing happened after 4 more weeks again. After my last suicide attempt, which was very dramatic in May 2017, I made a decision to become clear and clean, totally. I haven’t been taking any kind of drug (except from alcohol from time to time) and since then my body has developed powers again I never thought I would even have those.

Thing I learnd about pharma industry is they want to make cash and experiments on the patients‘ risk and what truely is a fact is that all sorts of drugs can have those annoying side-effects or support those things they should actually help against. And they make you „addicted“, not even mentally only, but also in a physical way, which is the most absurd thing about medicine.
After ten years of drugs my thyroid already had grown a very aggressive rebellion and was full of lumps so it had to be taken away, almost completely. At the age of 26 and doctors told me, this is an unusually young age.

I am „free“, totally free now and I can strengthen my own health by choosing on what to eat and what to drink and this helps me for sports I can do (before I was the laziest person on earth), but all of this needed time of course, a long time of finding out that I need to go through the most destructing hell first before I could become stronger again. You need to survive the crisis before brighter days can start again. I’m sure about. I hope you don’t blame me for such a long comment.

See or „read“ you, coffeeld

Late obituary

How US-American parents complained about their children committing suicide because those had listened to Linkin Park. Like those dumbass people who did with Marilyn Manson because of the amok runners. Did you ever think then that your children themselves have felt kind of attracted to their songs for a more profound reason?

All this story about all of it happening must be the heavily ironic part of a sadly ignorant way of world-style in a system where people need to find scapegoats, not being able to see all the truth before the tragedy.

This is the funny thing about Chester Bennington: He just wrote about all of his suffering before and you could listen but you didn’t. And it can’t be any surprise what he did, actually, and what some of your deeply sad children.

I am no exact fan, any more, but when I was 13, LP was my favourite group of rock and it was the one teaching me to learn English language myself to understand all the contents of their songs.