I even got bound on a bed while I was in psychiatry the last time and longest stay there. First they took me there and I believed everyone is a spying asshole and all people around me were pedophils or at least those supporting pedophiles (don’t know how to write this word). In the night I got on my period and all the blood flow down on my legs I needed to wipe away secretly it looked strange like butterfly blood. I talked to a crying person behind a wall I thought he was my monkey crying for all the rape he did to me as a little child in our neighbourhood. We got forced to like this couple in Butterfly Effect, Ewan and Kayleigh, and then I made two cups of tea for us while I talked to him through the walls. I said I’m sorrry for all THEY have done to us, not we, we were just kids, no worries. And I tried to show him how we could kill all those evil sailors of the past. By drowning them within my cup of tea.
I wore my most beautiful dress I had like I wore when I was Peter Pan. Black and white stripes. I’ve gone through all the night alone and the next day I started to ask when I could leave because I didn’t feel I was sick. But I grew through all the fucking rape in this world then and started to cry heavyly as a monster. Then I walked around confusedly and on a sunny day outside, no, first, I had a bad shower then, heavy rain shower with all my dress on (I put my bloody chucks off and by God I had wanted to leave them in the bathroom before I decided to keep them, fortunately). After the shower the dress was too heavy on my body and so I asked for new clothes. They gave me out of their second hand rooms a punk jeans for boys and a big pullover for wolves but a punk shirt as well. And okay, it was some kind of very hot and sunny outside where there were fences everywhere so we could not leave the psychiatry. I climbed the fence to try out if I can climb over but I got weak and about six men came to catch me up again. They said: I wanted to escape so a judge decided that I needed to stay for sure inside of that shitface asshole place. That was the worst they could do to me. I mean, I just climbed for fun and then they put me onto a bed where they could bind me. They bound me and put me inside of a room where there were no things to hide the windows, no curtains, and I felt watched of course, in my paranoia state. There was another monkey lying next to me, I woke her up. She needed to pee. Me as well, by the way, I thought this would be the end of my life. Being bound for all the rest of, never free again, I really believed. So I needed to pee the fuck out of me and I couldn’t cause I needed to do this on the bed with a pot they gave me and put under my ass. Somehow after taking pills and hard tries to pee I fell asleep and when I woke up I wasn’t bound anymore and I had no pain anymore because of my need to pee. So somehow I found out I am not in a hospital of assholes only. The first trust I could make.
So, what I wanted to tell ya, is, they were six men at least who caught me up when I fell down the fence cause I got weak. This was superperfect cause I didn’t hurt myself falling down. It was the perfect fall. Professional. So many professionals I got to know and had contacts with. Police men and nurses (male nurses as well ? ). Ahm. All my experiences were better than any movie I could make. I mean, I was bound like Charlie, my protagonist of all my lovely books I wrote and those stories. And I became the REAL Charlie, you know, I started to believe, that even the bed bondage hahaha was a part of a big birthday present for me so I could see how all of this is in real life. I even was sexually excited about the bondage. But this is not the matter. This is.. not the point, you know.
So many things, man. What can I say. I don’t want to write books about this, this is impossible. This is my diary. I’ve created my own movies.