the first will be the last… one day. and other way round. jesus said so.

two stories about perspectives.

not to say I’m special, but I am. Haha.

Once I was in class of Gymnasium with adults (I was second youngest of 22) we had to analyze a short story about a relationship of a medi-age-couple with kids. they were having breakfast and a difficult topic came up referring to the kids. the parents disagreed totally. and the father, then, left off, without discussion any more. we had to analyze this relationship. but it went on because the father stayed alone for the whole day, the mommy cried and daddy wrote a letter in the end to explain himself. we didn’t know what he wrote.
all mates (?) in class of mine – and even the teacher – agreed on the decision to judge this relationship the way it was bad and not lovely. but I was disagreeing and I raise my arm and said: But can’t this be lovely, as well? You might not know, what they both would have done if the father hadn’t left. He was kind and brave enough to develope some space and time inbetween their love. All others didn’t understand what I was saying. I shut my mouth after and thought I was wrong.

Another one:
Once I was in class of normal school for trainees (media design workers) with kids only (I was second oldest of 23), the teacher handed out a short story in German lessons. The story was about a hard-working working man who always said YES to all kinds of work, never complained, and never said „NO this is too much right now, someone else needs to do it“. He refused to go on vacation and he got stocks of papers to care about in his office. All his colleagues started to talk about him, stare at him and wonderin about his behaving. They did not insult him, but they said, after once the hard-working man had killed himself, they said, yeah, somehow this was something predictable. They really never insulted him in the short story and we, the class, needed to analyze social behaving of the group. All of the others and even the teacher (about 60-year-old-man) were sure those colleagues were cruel and bullying and not kind.

But this was nothing I could see and I raise my arm as well and said: But, can’t this be normal behaving, as well? I couldn’t explain my feelings then but today I see, if you behave like a slave and you show to others that you are not worth a beautiful, stressless life, then the others will treat you this way and (ab)use the situation. But this is Kharma. And so, I think, if the hard-working man couldn’t find out for himself to love himself and say „NO, this is too much“, then this is his own fault and his own decision on a worthless life.

I’m done.

By the way: As I said (this is two years ago now) they all looked at me and didn’t understand anything. And I thought, damn, I must be wrong… But I’m not and I know it.


I will grow oldest.

I can be my own teacher

I have dreams about being a director, directing my own movies. I would be a great director. Because I’m an actor as well.

I’m a director

because I’m an actor

: )

and that’s why you should call it diractor actually


But sometimes I’m lonely. I need some physical love. Only sometimes. When I hug myself while crying and I’m sure about I do this, I’m not ashamed, I see Gollum and I remember the decoration on my wall when I was 15.


Those few CDs, hehe, they’ve grown as well like double now

I even understand people now who see Gollum as a scary monster, a twisted mind, only insane. This is because of inability to love oneself. They are hunting for physical surrounding, desperately trying to find people and „friends“ so those friends can make them feel to beloved. They are afraid, only afraid of being alone and that’s why they will never find out about many beautiful things. I know this.

Loneliness is my second name. Lisa Loneliness. I’ve been growing inside of loneliness and isolation : ) ) I’m strong. Like Gollum. One day I will draw him and show you.

And this makes sense, you know? You’ve heard about Stockholm Syndrome? I know about and those conditions. If you kidnapp yourself and isolate and you fear to be killed by yourself (really high danger zone), you will fall in love with the one that kidnapped you. This is so true. You will be thankful and grateful for staying alive. NICE. I’m really smart.

Dragon, Key and Icecream

So, what. I will start like this. I have a beginning for my story, finally. And this is about what you will do in the future, but what you are now already, actually. Some might not understand, but some might see.
Okay, man. There was a girl. She was young, very young, and as soon as she went to school, the teacher asked her and all of the class what they will do in the future, when they are grown.

And the children said I want to become a doctor maybe for pets and animals or for human beings or become a fucking firefighter, you know, and they were all quite sure about. And the young girl, she was quite sure about, as well, then when she said „I want to become an author, writing stories and telling them“, she said proudly and loudly.

She forgot about this for a long time while growing up then because of many influences from outside and inside, they were seeming to cut her soul and cut her mind into thousands of pieces, like she always loved those for puzzles and mystery games to complete and to solve so they would show up a beautiful, clear picture in the end.

And then she thought she was grown adult, until someone told her she was still a little child like he asked her what will be your job, when you’re grown? And then she couldn’t find an answer first because of anything she could do and all the opportunities and chances in the world she could miss if choosing only on one thing. This kind of thinking made her sick. An imagination of a beautiful future which seemed to be impossible to realize because it was only on her mind and future.

And one day she decided to wake up and she asked the question again to herself. Like: „What will be your job?“ But then she found some answer. Like: „There is no „will“, there is only now. And I always knew what my job should be, but I never saw, I never knew that my job already was. I’m an author and I like to tell stories, write them down and spread around. For sure. And she had an answer inside how to become happy: This is all not about cash you can earn, money as gold, this is about heart and joy you can earn if only someone likes your job, man. And you can sell and pay it with your heart and not with money.“

And so she was sure about what her fucking job was because it had always been the same and that never changed for real, and then she recalled one memory about class test in 3rd grade, when the teacher handed out a list of keywords, the kids should pick out three of them and write a fucking story about. And the girl decided on Dragon, Key and Icecream.

And this is what she wrote as a damn smart eight-year-old girl:

There was a dragon locked in a cage in a basement of a huge castle, so a monster deep under actually, and there was a boy, a little boy, who visited the castle to see its beauty, but somehow he found out about the dragon deep under, because he was curious. He went carefully downstairs, sure not to be seen by anyone, and then he saw the dragon in that deep, heavy basement behind some hard iron bars and it was dark all around but only little light to see the dragon. And the boy was fucking scared and fearful at first but then the dragon said „Hello“ and the boy did the same. And they started to have some conversation. And in some way the boy started to feel sorry for the dragon, because it was caged and so he decided to lift him up, he wanted to help him.

„How can I get you outside of here?“, he asked. And the dragon said: „There must be some key anywhere, I don’t know.“
However, the boy was not able to find any key and so he got sad, but the dragon said: „Don’t be sad man, you help me a lot being just here for me and you’re a really nice boy, man, believe it.“

And the boy, he got somehow much happier again, much more relaxed and then he made up a funny idea. He said to the dragon: „I have an idea, man. I will go and get some icecream for you, if you like.“ And the dragon, surprised as hell, happy about, waited patiently for the boy to come back when he was about to get some icecream from the market place. The boy got back then and gave him the icecream and they shared it.

And then, as put by magic hands, the door opened itself.

But this is not the end yet again. She got best mark for it and the teacher read it out to the whole class because the teacher was really fucking impressed.