fall


can you hear the whispering sound
of the dancing leaves in the trees
they will fall to the ground

can you feel the freshening breeze
of the coolish wind in the yard
it will bring me back on my knees

can you see the trembeling heart
of my shaking body in bed
it will stop and it will start

no? but what can you instead
smell the fall outside
and leave it in your head

you can taste the wide
of the freedom bound
it will show and it will hide


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shortcut schizophrenia part two

Things I did in Berlin: A girl who seemed to be Lesbian was with me inside of a room after my hard phase of three days. I threw my green shirt to her and said: If you feel like a monkey, try to jump out of the window and take that jungle shirt, they will not come for. She never said a word. She didn’t even look at me for real. She didn’t take that t-shirt.

I was JESA, not Jesus in my bedroom and the lesbian was my husband who wanted to fight me in a last fucking game for you could see who will be stronger. I was scared so I visited the bathroom and said: Please, give me some support what to do now, and there were, suddenly, real sounds of a used toilet anywhere, so, I knew, I was not going to be strangled or killed by my lesbian husband, but it was my challenge to die for the world as JESA, not getting crucified, they would give me toxic stuff and a place in the hotel on the opposite street I could see out of my window so it would be a nice and .. happy death. But this didn’t happen. I went outside and outside again and the scenes like in a movie changed so quickly, everything. I thought I was a mindtraveller and timetraveller travelling all fucking centuries of this world. Then I was Juliet years before in the movie William Shakespeare created. I looked out for my Romeo because I couldn’t stand to go on like this. No ending. I went into my bedroom and there was the Lesbian and I said to her: Well, you have said to me, one day I can be your teacher and this is what I want from you. I whispered and showed my knife I still had (strange stuff in a psychiatry they didn’t took my knife away………. Whatever) and I was scared anyone could notice and see about my plan so I had the idea to hide the knife inside of my pussy. It was fucking hard to get it out again by myself and then I threw it into the toilet. My Mom, my sister, and my brother, they visited me and my bro asked: Why is there a knife in the toilet? I couldn’t explain anything. I was in a state like: HALDOL very much and lying in my bed.

This is still not everything of Berlin. So many things. I talked to my monkey all the time. Mom got scared. There was noone around for real. “This is up, this is up” I said lying in my bed or sometimes falling down in the corridor, breaking down. I thought I would be in a time elevator who was going to bring to “heaven”, not heaven, but a paradise where there is peace and love for me and my monkey and wealth, lots of wealth, big cars, a villa, anything. About … I don’t know, maybe ten times I just collapsed in the corridor or anywhere I was and nurses got me up and doctors.

I got to know a monkey there who was blonde and thicker than mine and I believed alright, this is because of the time collapse so doesn’t matter, you can lose weight again, and then I wanted him to kill me. He didn’t want to. He was alright. He was scared. But we smoked cigarettes in his bedroom and he gave me glasses red, I believed, this is the Matrix episode now. I am in the Matrix. Alright.

What can I recall. This was the Lion King part still, when I lied on a couch I believed the people watching OUR movie now they want us to dance and then to fuck maybe but they will take us to the hotel and then we can kill ourselves to get into the real movie. FREE like monkeys.

Berlin, Berlin, Berlin… this was the first time I ever visited our capital. Nice stories, experiences, hm?

Ah, yes, I forgot the Benjamin Button part. Because of the time collapse. I started believing that I would never will have the chance to be with my man because he would grow young and I would grow old and then it would be my part to kill the baby Benjamin or let it die inside of my arms. Whatever.

So, somehow they got me out of this hell. I was still paranoid but not that hard any more. I was allowed to visit the town with my Mom, walk outside and this was a pleasure. I even saw the Spree. All people around me still actors and watchers. I say Berlin is hell, you know, dying hell of people, stress and .. everything. Mom drove me home again. Everything that happened after Berlin is still too close to me and I can only talk about this in German to my Mom and to friends. So I can cry maybe. Cry hard.

I saw him twice, once he was naked watching through a window of a room where I was having a bath naked, enjoying the silence and romance. I really saw him. Staring through the window. Next day I had paranoia I need to go, I need to leave this place (I was staying at grandma’s). And then I saw him walking at the hills I climbed like a female wolf. Then Dad came and arrested me again. He grabbed me like a doll and I believed he was a pedophele and all my family was a pedophil one they had spied and watched me since I was a baby and sold the material via web. This is not true. This was damn schizophrenia. I have just told my Mom about these thoughts. Crying.