I dressed myself pretty today.. in a white dress with black stripes. And tight trousers for beautiful people, they have ethnic patterns. Yesterday I was sad and then I was angry and then I developed strength and powers I didn’t believe I had those. I climbed the ladder to feel like a monkey insane, I wore my self sewed punk dress. And it fell down over my body while I was hanging upside down. It revealed what’s underneath. I was lucky I had no alcohol. There was no guarantee at all. This is a hard life of struggles. Like a roller-coaster, this is much too much. I don’t believe in miracles.

I don’t want to be that honest but I wish you somehow to climb the tree in front the house and come inside of my rooms through open windows. I am missing you. Really. And you don’t know and I don’t know. All human beings are silly.




Today is 29th of July, which means four years ago, exactly that day I got to know my ex-boyfriend. I hope I will raise my glass tonight to the ceiling, to the sky actually, cause not dancing to Joy Division (Let’s dance to Joy Division – and celebrate the irony – everything is going wrong – but we’re so happy – Let’s dance to Joy Division – and raise your glass to the ceiling – cause this could all go so wrong – but we’re so happy) but to songs at the river.

He did shit to me. I will do shit to me. No, I won’t. Yes, I will. No, I won’t. No, I don’t want to, but I just want to.