I dressed myself pretty today.. in a white dress with black stripes. And tight trousers for beautiful people, they have ethnic patterns. Yesterday I was sad and then I was angry and then I developed strength and powers I didn’t believe I had those. I climbed the ladder to feel like a monkey insane, I wore my self sewed punk dress. And it fell down over my body while I was hanging upside down. It revealed what’s underneath. I was lucky I had no alcohol. There was no guarantee at all. This is a hard life of struggles. Like a roller-coaster, this is much too much. I don’t believe in miracles.

I don’t want to be that honest but I wish you somehow to climb the tree in front the house and come inside of my rooms through open windows. I am missing you. Really. And you don’t know and I don’t know. All human beings are silly.




Today is 29th of July, which means four years ago, exactly that day I got to know my ex-boyfriend. I hope I will raise my glass tonight to the ceiling, to the sky actually, cause not dancing to Joy Division (Let’s dance to Joy Division – and celebrate the irony – everything is going wrong – but we’re so happy – Let’s dance to Joy Division – and raise your glass to the ceiling – cause this could all go so wrong – but we’re so happy) but to songs at the river.

He did shit to me. I will do shit to me. No, I won’t. Yes, I will. No, I won’t. No, I don’t want to, but I just want to.



scary instincts

about three weeks ago I went outside for shopping things, shop shop. I put on my grey shorts (very bright version of grey) and a shirt with red stripes and white, the red is coloured strong as blood, and my grey chucks, they have white schoelaces and they are stained with red spots of halloween blood for halloween party. I had worn the same combination of these clothes before, so maybe two and three months ago when it used to be warm outside. so three weeks ago I went outside and into a store for cosmetic bullshit (like I never visit those stores, only for.. those papers you can check up pregnancy with instantly). this time I needed MILK. so I went there. and when I got to the cash point, I had a straight look up to a bunch of magazines which were hanging right in front of my eyes. those magazines you could take for free and the cover wrote, it was grey and red (and a bit white): the trending colours of the season are red and a bright version of grey. and I laughed. out of sudden. I had some feelings long time before that I am an instinct trend setter somehow and this is no meaning of arrogance. this is really scary sometimes. I had the same thing with suspenders before hipster influence already, for example. and Batman. and lots of music.

dm magazin


I want to write a song
a song that differs from the rest
not to be the best
and not to show you what is wrong

every single word you sing
refers to sorrow, joy and love
and how those circle everything
is how God combines them all above

BO’ring, I sing, I feel there should be more
I’m tired of the core,
the origin of feelings
I feel like I’m the whore
of God and what he brings

Is there something else still to discover ?
Like a sixth or seventh sense maybe ?
Or a never leaving lover
you will find out how to see

for allways




Where can I get this and how is it called ? I had as a child. I know it’s lost. I’ve found the picture above only on one page and this page only used to sell it as .. decoration (you can put a candle inside rolleyes) or as jewellerey (double rolleyes haha).

Those nine stones should be different because each of them refers to one of the seven planets and to sun and to moon which were known in the Ancient Orient. So Mercur, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus or was it about seven? I am not sure any more, there is something about the days of week and their names, they belong to those planets including Sun and Moon (I can try to refer to French or English words, German differs too much). Should there be nine days? Hmm. Maybe my Lotus Flower had only seven stones.

Anyway. This is not for decoration or jewellery, this is for meditation originally and you can take it and you can transform the wire to different sculptures so every sculpture will show another phase of the circle of origin, formation, ending and rebirth of the solar system.

I would like to have one again.

Title: by Bilbo Baggins

EDIT: I mean, they only knew Sun and Moon and Mercur, Venus, Mars, (besides Earth), Jupiter and Saturn in Ancient Orient, therefore the days.


Saturn for Saturday (samdi)

Sun for Sunday (dimanche)

Moon for Monday (lundi)

Mars for Tuesday (mardi)

Mercur for Wednesday (mercredi)

Jupiter for Thursday (jeudi)

Venus for Friday (vendredi)